There Are No S*xual Incompatibilities
Yes, you read that right. And I'm completely blown away as well.
Let me take a step back and talk about this past weekend, when my partner Scott and I attended a s*x workshop by Jaiya and Ian from the show S*x, Love & Goop on Netflix.
I learned that there are 5 ways that we as humans get turned on (as summarized by therefinedwoman.com in her podcast interview with them):
1. Energetic - turned on my the anticipation of s*x
2. Sensual (that's Scott!)- Turned on by all senses being ignited
3. S*xual - turned on by penetration
4. Kinky - turned on my anything that's taboo
5. Shapeshifter (that's me!) - turned on by all of it!
If you haven't taken the quiz yet to see which Blueprint you are, HERE is the link.
We've all heard that opposites attract and that's certainly the case in the bedroom.
For years and over the course of 2 husbands I've felt that there was some sort of s*xual incompatibility with us.
Why were we never on the same page?!?
I tried ALL THE THINGS.
- Weight loss programs
- S*xy lingerie
- Being dominant and taking the initiative
- Asking for what I want
- Even being crystal clear that I was not getting my needs met and felt the urge to go outside the relationship
And I know I'm not alone.
I don't have one single partnered friend that has the exact same drive, desire level, or way they like to be turned on than their partner.
Not a single one.
This definitely creates a problem.
I've always found myself wanting s*x way ( and I mean WAYYY) more frequently than all of my lovers.
The only time I was 100% satisfied-to-overflowing was when I had an open relationship and lots of different lovers.
Each of them needed time off, or had a lower drive than me, so I was grateful to have several partners contributing to keep my cup filled.
So, how do we bridge the gap of "incompatibility"?
And ultimately, how do we ask for and get what we desire?
Learn what turns our partner on, and start speaking their language.
This is really similar to Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages.
Here's how this looks like today for me and Scott.
I'm turned on by everything, so let's focus on Sensual being his main turn on.
This looks like me throughout the day putting my hands on him.
And not in a grabby, non-consensual sort of way.
I go about this slowly and sensually.
We're in the kitchen? Great, I take some time to look him in the eyes, smile and talk with him, and I touch him.
This might be a light stroking of his arms or back. I might compliment his butt and rub my hands over it.
If he's making something to eat, I'll hug him from behind and spend a few minutes talking to him while rubbing his arms, back, and shoulders.
I've learned these are his main erogenous zones.
The attention + touch is his turn on.
Sensuals love music.
Food can be an orgasmic experience. Just last night he grilled some amazing steak, then fed some of it to me, proclaiming the sauce he'd made was the most delicious thing ever. See? Food can be sensual.
Soft clothing. Everything is tactile.
Scent. I know that my smelling delicious is a huge turn-on for him.
Once I understood that I needed to lead my initiation with him in a sensual way, I realized how easy it was to speak his (s*xual) language!
Sensual is also my highest Blueprint, so it's not a huge stretch for me to meet Scott in this way.
Now, if I had 0% Kinky, and Scott was 90% Kinky.... it might be more difficult for us.
We met a couple at the event that were like us - Shapeshifter and Sensual, and the Shapeshifter leaned more heavily to Kink than I do. They solved the Shapeshifter's desire for some voyerism by playing with Zoom and having an online s*xual adventure together.
Some other learnings I got out of the weekend were that I like to be watched, and watch others.
We had an activity where we all dressed up in our S*xual Blueprint (this image is from that night), then all 200 of us kind of skulked around like panthers looking at and witnessing each other.
Then we danced in the Blueprint styles for 2 hours, led by Ian (see below👇 for a glimpse into our dance party).
What an experience to have others look into your eyes, and see you dressed up in your favorite turn-on (outfit)!
(Notice Scott's comfy shirt and green scarf 😂 💜 ).
So... have you ever attended something that pushed your boundaries? That expanded your concept of what's possible? That helped you grow? That made you a better mom, business owner, lover?
Before Covid I spent around $20K/yr on education, courses, memberships and travel.
I love to learn and become a better version of myself, especially for the humans that I love the most.
What are you up to these days?
Share with me ways you're learning and growing too!