Not Sex Addict... Sexual BLUEPRINT! Reframing Sexual Needs & Desires as the care and Feeding of a Love Language
Last weekend I went to my partner Scott and began a conversation where I stated that there were two times in my life that my cup had felt "overflowing". Both involved opening my relationship and having additional partner play.
Now - feeling full or even almost full in our love and sexual lives is a fantastic thing.
I understand most people don't even get to that point of fulfillment.
As someone that believes that it is possible to live a life completely overflowing in abundance, I feel that relates to the love and sex and relationship parts of my life, too.
The discussion did not go well, his feelings were (understandably) hurt, he felt no one could ever be enough for me, I'd never be satisfied... and seriously turned and looked at me with some concern and said:
"Do you think you might have a sex addiction?".
This is not the first time someone has asked me this.
As a society, we get REALLY uncomfortable around conversations about sex.
Lots of us walk around with trauma.
It's crunchy, and uncomfortable, and triggering.
AND... not everyone experiences high libido. It's foreign to them. They do not experience it in their bodies at all.
I came out of the womb with a high sex drive and always have been a sexual, embodied person.
So let's dive into the conversation of Sex Addition!
I listened to a podcast recently with Alexa Bowditch and Dr. David Ley about sex addition (he specializes in this topic), and became so fascinated that I bought all of his books and began studying it.
As a human that has been asked a few times if I have have a sex addiction just because I enjoy sex frequently, and see in my sex and relationship groups other women with my Sexual Blueprint (more to come on this below) going through similar issues, I'd like to learn more so I can support them.
According to Dr. David Ley, "Much research indicates that so-called sex or porn addiction is most often an indicator of high libido. Sex/porn addicts “look” just like high libido people in much of the good experimental research. But, many of these self-identified addicts also have moral/religious/family/social conflicts about sexuality. So, they are people who grew up in an environment where sexuality is shamed and suppressed, but they are a person who responds strongly to sex. It makes sense that they would identify and understand that as an addiction, because they haven’t been taught to understand and accept their own sexuality. (As said before, they are often also bisexual men, who treat their homosexual desires as an addictive impulse to be suppressed.)"
I'd like to boldly make the connection of sexual need to Erotic Blueprints:
Most of us have studied the 5 Love Languages at some point in our lives as a roadmap to understanding how to love our partner better.
Gary Chapman's 5 Love Languages:
- Words of affirmation
- Quality time
- Physical touch
- Acts of service
- Receiving gifts
TAKE THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES QUIZ HERE
As an advanced student, I'd like to propose that we layer on the Erotic Blueprints to better understand our partner's sexual needs:
Jaiya's Erotic Blueprints:
TAKE THE EROTIC BLUEPRINT QUIZ HERE
I did a podcast episode on each of these Blueprints, and how Scott and I use them throughout each day to "feed" each other love and/or prime our partner for sex according to how they're wired for arousal.
LISTEN TO MY EROTIC BLUEPRINTS PODCAST EPISODE HERE
Let's bring this back to the beginning of this blog post where I was telling Scott about my "cup overflowing" and that I'd like some additional sexual play to get back to full satiation, and him asking me about sexual addiction.
I'm going to be super honest that that conversation rocked us a bit as a couple.
I felt wounded and hurt. Broken. Like something must be wrong with me. I have such an incredible man... why can't I just be f*ing happy?
And he felt attached, not enough, lacking, inadequate, and incredibly frustrated that I just can't be f*ing happy.
We took a break from any intimacy for 4 days, and in those days I started back my own pleasure practice, sat with my feelings of frustration, rejection, my own inadequacy to just sit in joy with what I had, etc.
On the 4th night I laid in bed for 2 hours thinking about how uncomfortable my relationship was becoming.
I longed to reach out and be met with desire and physically connect sexually with Scott.
My heart hurt so deeply.
I felt alone and unloved, despite all the other things he did for me.
And I continued to feed his Blueprint needs of touch and energetic exchange. I met him with depth and had lots of communication, which I knows fills him up.
And it left me feeling even more empty.
Like I was giving, and giving and giving.
He would touch me, sometimes sensually, and it left me feeling turned on and frustrated.
And suddenly in the middle of the night it hit me! I grabbed my phone and wrote down what I'd discovered:
"So I’ve figured it out! After 4 days of no intimacy I’ve had space to feel into the WHY of my desire for frequent sex with you.
Sex is my love language/ Blueprint, and how I feel loved. It’s that simple.
In the very same way that you crave touch and connection with me, I crave sexual intimacy with you. It fills my heart up. I feel so loved.
How do I know this?
After 4 days I’ve continued to pour out to your love language of touch and affection.
It’s left me feeling:
- Turned on when you reach out to touch me with love and affection back, which turns to sexual frustration when there is no sexual connection
- A desire to pull back on offering touch, affection, & connection to you because it’s leaving me wanting more, which just makes my heart sad
I’m noticing that there has been a beautiful circuitry of my “feeding you” by giving touch and affection and energy to you, and your meeting me sexually, and my cup filling back up that then makes me want to find you and touch and connect with you even more, which has been a beautiful cycle.
It’s a circuitry that keeps me feeling safe and open and turned on and connected and available to your own needs because mine are also being filled.
These past handful of days for me have been sad and painful for me as my love language has felt starved.
Imagine me not touching you for 4 days. Wouldn’t you also feel sad and starved for touch and connection?
I’d like to propose an idea that we could both be mindful of what keeps us both feeling “filled up”, satisfied and loved:
Jen gets sexual connection with Scott every other day.
Penetration or fingers and hands, naked connection time.
This commitment to filling my love language will calm my nervous system, and on off days if I still feel a need for pleasure I’ll do it myself so you can have a break.
Does this seem reasonable?"
I hit send, and went to sleep.
Somewhere in the middle of the night he woke up, read what I'd sent to him in my clear, coherent way (writing is by most clear way of communication), and I woke up to him sweetly caressing me, which unfolded to him making sweet love with me.
My entire nervous system calmed. My heart fulled back up. My love for him swelled.
I was back home.
BIQ QUESTIONS FOR YOU:
1. Are you resentful to your partner's "neediness", and could it be that you have not stopped to learn or understand their Love Language and Blueprint needs?
2. Do you know your partner's "roadmap"? Do you truly know what makes them feel love and makes them sexually fulfilled?
If not - take the 2 quizzes above and ask your partner to take them too. Then set a time to review them together. Memorize your partner's results, it's important! It will also make your relationship so much better to feed them in ways they want and need to be fed.
3. Are you boldly asking for what you want? Or are you making yourself small to fit into your partner's comfort zone?
If things came up for you after reading this, and you'd like the support of a sex and relationship coach, here is the link to my services: https://www.jenniferkayloruscin.com/love-coach-jennifer-ruscin